Wednesday, August 31, 2011

more pictures of my dog - surprise surprise!

I want to thank those of you who gave your thoughts (both on and off the blog) regarding my last post. I still feel a bit overwhelmed, but I think I have a plan forming in my head about what I want to happen in the future.  =) 

And now, some funny pictures of my fur baby (did I just say that?) at Bear Lake. I went a few weeks ago with my sister Brein (more pics on her blog). It was so much fun! Someday when I'm old and rich I'll buy a canoe and a cabin up there and be happy for the rest of my life. 

 I seriously want to get him a life jacket so he can learn to swim. How awesome would that be?

 Me and my niece London.. not sure what we're doing.

Sooooo messy! You can't even tell from this picture just how dirty he was. He loved it.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"my brain is scrambled"

I was initially going to write this in my journal, but I'm too lazy to actually hand write all my thoughts down - it takes too long. I just need to get it all out there for the universe, or my sanity, or something. 

This is WAY too long, and too boring, and maybe too personal, I don't know. So feel free to look at the cute picture of Kelso, skip reading this one, and look forward to my next post. =)

I could try telling all my worries to this guy..
But something tells me he'd just try to cheer me up by biting my hair.

I've been pretty discouraged today. I have this problem of comparing myself to others (ie. classmates), which of course gets me down. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone.

So, I'm going to school to become an x-ray tech. And I love it. LOVE! The hospital I do my clinicals at is amazing (although the hour long commute sucks), the people there rock, I like interacting with patients and feeling like I'm helping people. BUT: The job market is completely flooded with qualified x-ray techs looking for jobs. I'd love to get a job after I graduate this spring, but the reality is that there aren't many to be had. Another thing that makes it hard is that one of the main hospital groups of the state is a "hire from within" type of place, so they open a position internally before they open it externally - meaning if you aren't employed with this hospital group (even if it's just as a janitor), it's going to be hard to get in, especially in x-ray. 

I've applied to a few different positions with this 'hospital group' - and had a few rejections. The clinical hours I have to do make it hard to get a job that will work with my schedule. So... I'm pretty much just trying to 'get in' with this corporation so that if an x-ray job ever opens up internally I'll be able to at least see it and apply for it. Even then, the competition for x-ray jobs is fierce - and while I like competition in board games, I don't like it in the real world because, to me, it feels like fighting over something. And I don't like conflict and back down too easily. 

The thing with x-ray is that it only gets you an Associates Degree. So if I want my bachelor's, I have to apply to specialize in a different modality (ie. CT, MRI, ultrasound), get accepted, do clinicals in that modality for another few semesters and of course, do the schoolwork. If I were to get a full time - heck, even part time - job as an x-ray tech, I could probably be happy doing that for the rest of my life. I like x-ray and am not super interested in doing a different modality. BUT! If I have my license to do x-ray, and I specialize in something else, that will make me more marketable and better able to compete against other job-hungry peeps. 

The thing is, if I decide to specialize, I have to have my application in at the beginning of the year, which is pretty soon.

When we first got married, actually starting our family seemed far far away. I wanted to go to college, Kristofor was still working on college, we just weren't ready for babies. And honestly, still aren't. One of the reasons for this is financial. Of course, that's not all of it, but feeling secure in a career or job would be awesome. But I'm getting old, dang it! ;) (22 feels old). Seriously though, I don't want to wait forever to become a mother. 

So thinking and talking about it today... I'm a bit lost. Because if I specialize, that probably means starting our family is even further away. But if I don't specialize and don't get a job.. then what? Or if I specialize and still don't get a job?? It all feels so complicated.. 

And when I compare mine and Kristofor's situations to everyone else who's gone through the same type of thing, I feel like we're so unlucky. Seriously, it's taken Kristofor for-ev-ver to make progress with school, and I've been going to college for 4 years and all I have to show for it is a general Associates degree, and soon to be another Associate degree in x-ray.. I just feel so unaccomplished. And like I'll never be able to compete with anyone.


I just want some security. I wish someone could tell me what to do. And lately I just can't stop thinking about my future babies. I feel like they are pulling at me somehow... You don't actually have to have kids to feel parental guilt, right? 

This is probably my worst post ever. Maybe next time will be better. Maybe.