Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"my brain is scrambled"

I was initially going to write this in my journal, but I'm too lazy to actually hand write all my thoughts down - it takes too long. I just need to get it all out there for the universe, or my sanity, or something. 

This is WAY too long, and too boring, and maybe too personal, I don't know. So feel free to look at the cute picture of Kelso, skip reading this one, and look forward to my next post. =)

I could try telling all my worries to this guy..
But something tells me he'd just try to cheer me up by biting my hair.

I've been pretty discouraged today. I have this problem of comparing myself to others (ie. classmates), which of course gets me down. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone.

So, I'm going to school to become an x-ray tech. And I love it. LOVE! The hospital I do my clinicals at is amazing (although the hour long commute sucks), the people there rock, I like interacting with patients and feeling like I'm helping people. BUT: The job market is completely flooded with qualified x-ray techs looking for jobs. I'd love to get a job after I graduate this spring, but the reality is that there aren't many to be had. Another thing that makes it hard is that one of the main hospital groups of the state is a "hire from within" type of place, so they open a position internally before they open it externally - meaning if you aren't employed with this hospital group (even if it's just as a janitor), it's going to be hard to get in, especially in x-ray. 

I've applied to a few different positions with this 'hospital group' - and had a few rejections. The clinical hours I have to do make it hard to get a job that will work with my schedule. So... I'm pretty much just trying to 'get in' with this corporation so that if an x-ray job ever opens up internally I'll be able to at least see it and apply for it. Even then, the competition for x-ray jobs is fierce - and while I like competition in board games, I don't like it in the real world because, to me, it feels like fighting over something. And I don't like conflict and back down too easily. 

The thing with x-ray is that it only gets you an Associates Degree. So if I want my bachelor's, I have to apply to specialize in a different modality (ie. CT, MRI, ultrasound), get accepted, do clinicals in that modality for another few semesters and of course, do the schoolwork. If I were to get a full time - heck, even part time - job as an x-ray tech, I could probably be happy doing that for the rest of my life. I like x-ray and am not super interested in doing a different modality. BUT! If I have my license to do x-ray, and I specialize in something else, that will make me more marketable and better able to compete against other job-hungry peeps. 

The thing is, if I decide to specialize, I have to have my application in at the beginning of the year, which is pretty soon.

When we first got married, actually starting our family seemed far far away. I wanted to go to college, Kristofor was still working on college, we just weren't ready for babies. And honestly, still aren't. One of the reasons for this is financial. Of course, that's not all of it, but feeling secure in a career or job would be awesome. But I'm getting old, dang it! ;) (22 feels old). Seriously though, I don't want to wait forever to become a mother. 

So thinking and talking about it today... I'm a bit lost. Because if I specialize, that probably means starting our family is even further away. But if I don't specialize and don't get a job.. then what? Or if I specialize and still don't get a job?? It all feels so complicated.. 

And when I compare mine and Kristofor's situations to everyone else who's gone through the same type of thing, I feel like we're so unlucky. Seriously, it's taken Kristofor for-ev-ver to make progress with school, and I've been going to college for 4 years and all I have to show for it is a general Associates degree, and soon to be another Associate degree in x-ray.. I just feel so unaccomplished. And like I'll never be able to compete with anyone.


I just want some security. I wish someone could tell me what to do. And lately I just can't stop thinking about my future babies. I feel like they are pulling at me somehow... You don't actually have to have kids to feel parental guilt, right? 

This is probably my worst post ever. Maybe next time will be better. Maybe. 


Madi said...

You are crazy accomplished! You are so smart and I'm so glad your doing something you love, even if it's not a job yet. I love you, try not to stress, pray about it and we can chat more about it tonight :) I love you!!!!

Anonymous said...

Do you want me to tell you what to do? :-)

We had Evan when I was 23. I wish we would've waited a little longer. It's not a regret, but because we were still trying to finish school and get a job and move and a million other things, his young life so far has been pretty hectic, with a lot of change. Now, I wish we had waited until life had settled down so it wouldn't have affected him. 22 is so ridiculously young :-) and you have the rest of your life for kids, but only a few short years for just you and Kristopher to find yourselves and settle down.

As far as school, be as diversified as possible. I would go into a specialty even if you hate it. If I need to hire some to do CT or Ultrasound, I'll probably have them do my Xrays as well. Why would I hire someone with just an Xray background and hire another person to do CT? 1 employee is cheaper than 2, even if I have to pay them more. (hint, better salary with more specialization) Highly specialized degrees (umm.. chiropractor) make it difficult to find work if that particular field isn't hiring. I'm even considering going back to school just in case the chiropractic world goes crashing down with the new health care laws that keep coming out.

BTW have you looked at doctor's clinics as well as hospitals? How about a chiropractic office? Some have xray techs and use them as assistants as well.

Ok, that's enough unsolicited advice. I love you Aariel and I'm very proud of you. You and Joe are definetely the least screwed up Jensen kids and you can quote me on that!


Emily Harkness said...

I would "err" on the side of putting your family (even future family) first. You will be blessed by doing that. I know the above person said wait for the kids, BUT I KNOW the Lord will bless you if you don't put off having children. I know so many people that have followed that counsel (and it is STILL doctrine even if it might seem "old fashioned" can ask Russ for the specifics because he's the churchy brainy one) and have had the blessings poured out to them. Things just work out! I think it's easy to look at everyone else in the world and compare and worry, but really, you have to do what will make YOU the happiest in the grand scheme of things. Degrees, finances, being secure....all that will eventually work it self out if you just keep doing what's right. But all that said, what it really comes down to is you and Kristofor and the Lord. It really has to be a matter of prayer. Hang in there, Aariel! I can't imagine all the stress and worry you must feel. I really admire all you have accomplished and all that you put up with. You will be amazing at whatever life throws at you. And I know you will be a fabulous mother whether it's sooner or later. (I'm honestly crossing my fingers for the sooner :)) You just need to keep kicking Kristofor in the pants so he will get done with his schooling faster!!! After all it's his responsibility to worry about supporting your family, not yours. Just read the proclamation, ha, ha!
Love you.
(Hopefully you don't find this annoying or overbearing. That's not my intention at all.)

Heather said...

Did you write this post or did I??? You have written some of the very thoughts and concerns I went through last Fall semester. I for one loved my x-ray clinicals and would have been fine just staying in x-ray for the time being but I KNOW ALMOST FOR CERTAIN that if I stopped going with just this, the time to go back would probably never come for me. You mold your life around what is in it at the time and you just make things work. I have struggled with the side of having to put my schooling before my kids plenty of times through all of this but then I fall back on the council that we are also encouraged to get our education. Before I got accepted to the program I got a very firm confirmation that what I was doing was the right thing and that has helped me through the hard times. You can find peace in knowing that when you do have children you will have all of this behind you and you probably need to think about what the likelihood is of going back later. MANY people do this. They start with x-ray, work years in it and then when the time is right they do go back and maybe that could be you.

If I didn't choose to specialize I too would have my 2 Associates degrees and I really want that Bachelors Degree. Let me give you my advice and opinion. First of all, even if you choose not to specialize, you need to get your Bachelors in Advanced Radiography while you are already in the mode. That way when and if you choose to specialize you won't have some of the lingering BA requirements along with your specialty classes. I will help you know what you need to do to get this done in only 2 semesters, The Summer and Fall of 2012. It will be 2 busy semesters but I would do it no other way!!Plus the Summer semester is only really May and June so it's not bad. Second, I have to say that I love and do not regret my choice to specialize in Mammography. I never had an interest in any other specialties so this made this decision easier. It is the absolute perfect mom specialty job choice. No nights, weekends, holidays or call which you will face in all other career paths. The pay may be a few dollars less to start but can you really put a price on these benefits? As a mom/secondary income I have to say absolutely not! Also, the only difference in this choice and the Advanced Rad Tech choice is that the Fall semester will include Mammo clinicals but your final 18 credits have to do with this specialty and you can also get it done in the 2 semesters where many others are 3-4 semesters. I figured I might as well do this and then have 2 choices when I get done, but if Mammo doesn't sound like something you would like to do then at least go for the Advanced for now and get that under your belt. Don't get frustrated that there aren't any jobs right now because the availability of Limited X-ray Techs are far and few between. Once you get your boards done you will be far more marketable, plus many students choose to specialize opening more opportunities for those that just want to do x-ray. They say Mammo is the best kept secret but I am sharing it with you cuz I love you and hope I can shed some light on some things. You are so young. We didn't even have Brielle until I was almost 23 so don't worry to much about it. Things have a way of working themselves out if you have faith that they will and by living your life right. I am doing what the lord has counseled me to do and in return I have the faith that I will end up where I need to be. There will be those who fight and argue this type of faith, but oh well, it works for me! Love, Heather

Anonymous said...

In case you haven't gotten enough...
Just some things to think about.
In Lehi's vision of the tree of life, there were "mists of Darkness". Sometimes we lable those as evil things like pornography etc. Satan is not limited to 'evil' mists of darkness to get us off the path. Elder Richard G. Scott said that Satan has a powerful tool (aka mist of darkness) he uses against good people. It is distraction. He would have you fill your life with so many good things, that you don't have time for the essential. What is essential in this life? We are taught it in the Temple, and in the first few chapters of Moses (and Genesis). The Lord said it was not good for Adam to be alone. First doctrine taught: Celestial marraige. Adam and eve are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Some interpret this as A)so we all could come to earth (which is partially true) and B) a commandment exclusively for Adam and Eve. The doctrine here is actually that we are on this earth to become like our Heavenly Parents. That is why it was created, so we could become like them. What are they? Bio-chemists? Civil engineers? When you pray, do you say "dear Heavenly x-ray technician". We are here to become earthly parents and eventually heavenly parents. Heavenly Father says that "this is His work and His Glory"...having children and helping them grow up like him. Getting married and having children is essential. Everything else is peripheral. That being said, Isaiah 55:8-9 says Gods thoughts are not our thoughts and his ways our not our ways. Each of us have different paths in mortality. God knows your path, and will reveal it to you if you seek for it. Many lives are blessed by women who enter the work force, and many women are guided by the Lord down that path, But it is not essential. Eduation is important. Being a parent is the greatest education you can have in the school of eternal life! Anyway, back to the iron rod. The iron rod is the scriptures and conference talks. Study those, pray, and keep being awesome faithful people like you are and the Lord will guide you. Just remember what is "essential" and the big picture becomes much more clear. By the way, having children is like titheing. The Lord will open the windows of heaven and bless you just like any other commandment that you keep. Your awesome! The Lord will tell you what to do. One more thing. One of my best friends is finishing his last year of residency to become an M.D. He has 4 kids. Would medical school have been easier without them? You bet. But what if his wife got cancer at the same age as Amber. (his wife is 29, amber was 28). That's why it is so important to seek the Lord's will, because he sees the big picture. Anyway, I love you, you are an awesome sister-in-law. I hope this was helpful:)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I hope I didn't make it sound like education isn't important cuz it is:). We are here to learn. It's just not as high on the essentials list. But it is way higher than money!
Russ again