Tuesday, October 7, 2008

20 mile distance

I live a 20 minute drive away from my family in Brigham. I have always been bad at keeping in touch but it's pretty sad that I can let a 40 minute round trip keep me from visiting my family more often. I know I don't need an appointment or invitation to drop by, which I do try to do sometime, but still.

I'm not invited to many things. A lot of times someone will say "are you going to such-and-such event?" And I say "No one told me about it." I guess this would be miscommunication, but a lot of times I think people don't bother inviting me because they don't think I will come.

Something I have a really hard time with is if I'm only invited to something here and there, there is much more pressure for me to come to every event I'm invited to. If I was invited to tons of things, it wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't come to every thing. I feel like if I can't come to something I'm in the doghouse. Once I was invited the day before an important event and I couldn't come because I had plans. I then got a guilt-trip phone call about not making it. First, if it was so important it would have been helpful to know more than 24 hours in advance. Second, why am I even IN the doghouse?

I don't pressure anyone to come visit me in Ogden. In fact, I've lived in my apartment for over a year and have never had anyone from Brigham come hang out with me here. Joe's come a hundred times to hang out, and I've been to my sisters houses plenty of times, but they've never come to my apartment. I've never expressly invited them to, partly because it makes more sense for one car to drive to Brigham than for a couple cars to drive here. Partly because I feel
like if I don't have a reason (birthday or something) then it's not a big deal. I don't think there would be a reason that any of my family would feel unwelcome here or that they can't just stop by. I just don't think they want to.
I feel like the unpopular sister. I'll call my sisters sometimes to see how they're doing or whatnot. I don't get calls like that. I sometimes get calls to babysit. Sometimes invitations. but no one calls me to ask how things are going for me. I just really feel left out, because the people in Brigham see each other all the time. I don't expect to get invited to come if you're running to get something to eat at Wendy's. But sometimes it would be nice to get a call to hang out without it being a big family gathering. I don't like feeling like my sisters aren't my friends.
I know I'm bad at staying connected with my extended family. I still feel like a little kid who only goes over to grandmas house when my parents go. It's really something I want to get better at. I need to be the one to stay connected and not expect other people to do it for me.
It's hard for me to want to hang out with people when plans aren't solid. I'm not unflexible, but when people show up hours late, or when it takes hours to do we planned...I get frustrated. I just think it's really lame. What is the point of having a plan if you don't plan to follow it? I'm really not anal, I promise. I'm consistently late to things like school and church. I like doing spontaneous things.
Sorry for the whiney post (if you made it this far) but sometimes things build up and up and need to get out somehow. I figure a blog about it is an easy way to get things off my chest -like writing in a journal but faster.


Madi said...

Hey Bear -
Sorry you feel like that. I didn't mean to give you a guilt trip phone call I just wanted to see what was up. I was hurt that you weren't able to come but I didn't say anything to you because I didn't want you to feel like your always in trouble with me. It's hard to organize and get everyone the perfect amount of timing and I just did my best for Romes party. I'm pretty sure that there have been plenty of times that we have chatted on the phone and not just for babysitting, and there have been lots of times that I have come to Ogden to come shopping or to come do something. I love you a lot and I don't want you to feel left out. I'll try to be better at planning things and following through. I love you!!! Your not the unpopular sister - your the popular one because you are always the one we can go to to talk if we need it without the other ones knowing. Your the only one I can talk about my dreams with I know that for dang sure! I love you Berrie!

Luckedout said...

Hey! I'm not the only one that is a family pariah! The only calls I get are when something goes wrong back in Utah. I can't remember the last time Rileigh called me and I'm pretty sure that you and Madi have never called me. I talk to Joe online occasionally and he texts me from time to time. Sadly I think Dad is the one that keeps in touch the best. He calls at least once a month to check on us.

Not to mention I've been here in St. Louis for 4 years and no one has even bothered to try and make it out here. I've been to Brigham 4 times since I've been out here. I thought it would be a great vacation for someone to come out and see something besides Utah.... guess not. I know even being in Hawaii won't change that.

I've gotten used to it. Funny thing though, when I mentioned I wasn't heading back to Brigham after school I got a bunch of angry emails and phone calls.... why should I go home? Like anyone cares now... Why would they care then?

Meh.... I'm just being a whiner too....

Brein said...

Alright Alright here dammit! You KNOW you are BOTH loved! Now seriously you are both the favorites because you AREN'T involved with all the family drama. Do you know how lucky you are in that respect? I have gotten really bad at keeping in touch. :( I think having a family of my own keeps me overly occupied. I don't even really have friends anymore. I can't even remember the last time I hung out with Malinda or anyone else. Life gets in the way. But please don't feel unloved or unwanted! Your family adores you. Your nephew adores you. I think dad is really good at inviting people over without making them feel obligated. I want to be more like that. No guilt trips for missing things. We are all adults now with crazy busy lives, but that doesn't mean we should leave each other out. I'm guilty of this mostly because of absentmindedness. But anyway...

Aariel ~ Our little light bulb! The cutest baby I've seen. Your adorable lightheartedness has dazzled our family for years. Your excitement about learning, horses, movies, everything makes you so fun to be around. You really know how to let lose and be a big dork AND you can have those really deep "driveway" conversations. A perfect mix of insanity and brains. ;) Remember our Aerosmith trip to Idaho? That was fun! Please don't feel left out! We really don't get together as much as you think. Ri and Mad tend to hang out with each other more than I do. Just last week I was butt hurt because they went to Walmart without me. Lame! lol! WE consider you the fun sister. It has been hard in someways to watch you grow older and get married. I can't speak for everyone but I find myself trying to give you and your hubby space. I don't want to get in your way or infringe upon your time...

Benj ~ The thought of you graduating brought tears to my eyes a few days ago. I'm so proud that my little brother that I used to play with all the time is going to be a Doctor! I find myself reminiscing about the old days a lot lately. Getting up early (not quite as early as you) to watch Transformers and GI Joe. Sharing bunk beds playing "the name game" before we fell asleep at night. Watching you save the princess and fighting over who got to play Link next. (Getting really mad that you were younger than my but WAY better at Nintendo) Ahh the good old days. :) Oh yea and sharing the basement! haha. Anyway I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go visit you in St Lois! But times are so hard that I haven't even taken my little guy on any kind of vacation at all! I really wish I could come visit before you move. You front me the money and I'm there! ;)

Anyway the moral of this story is... I love you both. XOxOXOxOXOXoxOxOxOXOX

Marty W. Jensen said...

I'm glad you guys can talk openly about how you feel - that's wonderful! I've always appreciated invitations without expectations (pressure to attend). I like the words from the song "Sunshine," which says "And you can't even run your own life, I'll be damned if you'll run mine." This to me says we have no idea what our friends/family's capacity is for keeping in touch or getting together, . . . so I assume that we're all doing the best we can, right? And the most important thing is to spend time with our own spouses and children, and extended family when we are able.

Having given that serious lecture (do I always lecture?! Yuck!), I am very, very glad that you guys keep in touch with each other. I think this is important, because the "glue" which normally holds a family together (mom) is on vacation in heaven right now! Please support each other and unconditionally love one another!
(Oops, that sounded kind of lectury, didn't it? Sorry!) Love you all! Dada